It's been a while! I figured I should post a little something. Last night was my best friend's high school graduation. It was kind of weird for me because I graduated exactly two years ago and I feel like we were such different people. I was heading off to college and she was about to be a junior. Now, here we are two years later and so much has happened. We are heading off to college TOGETHER this Fall and I get to experience all four years with her. We will graduate together and start our lives in the real world. Mary sang the National Anthem at the ceremony and I felt like a weird, proud mom. I'm so happy that we are going to U of A together and I can't wait for this summer, too! She's crashing our family vacation and coming to Newport Beach with us in less than a month! Lot's of good thing in store :)
Mary and I at my high school graduation. May I just say that I don't even look like the same person anymore. I don't even recognize that girl in the picture.
I go through these phases where I am super set on growing my hair out. I want instant gratification though, I don't want the awkward in between. According to my research, it takes a LONG time to grow out a pixie cut. My hair is super thick, too, so it would just be even more awkward. I just really want to put my hair in a ponytail. I have dreams all the time that I have super long hair and when I wake up, I touch my head and remember that it's still short.
But on the other hand, I love having short hair. It isn't that much easier than long hair, though. When I wake up in the morning, my hair is insane. Sticking up in every direction, and I have to get it wet so it will go flat again. No just running a brush through it and being done with it. Some days I just think I want to shave it all off and be bald again., because I loved being bald. However I do not miss the random people that I barely know, coming up and rubbing my bald head with out permission. Oh why can't I have the best of both worlds? Also, will I ever get to the place where people STOP commenting on how much hair I have? Yes people, hair grows after chemo. (Sorry for all the sass)
Right now I am in the "growing it out" phase. I was inspired by Carey Mulligan. I'm sure my whole opinion will change by next week and I'll cut it again. Why can't I just have her face and blonde hair? She's adorable. Right now, this is my goal:
I took a quick little trip to California this weekend to visit my sister and we went to Disneyland on Friday! I love me some Disneyland. Always have, always will. Some of my meds still make me really tired and it's hard for me to be on my feet for long periods of time which causes my hands and feet to swell like crazy. Upon entering the Magic Kingdom, we headed straight to City Hall and explained my situation to a cast member. She was pretty understanding and gave us this handicap pass. It was the golden ticket. We went to the Matterhorn, showed them our pass, and walked right on the ride! It was great. No 70 minute wait for Indiana Jones! No 90 minute wait for Tower of Terror! Too bad Space Mountain AND Thunder Mountain were both closed. We were planning on sticking it out to see the fireworks, but at about 5:30 I hit a wall. I took off my converse in the park and my feet were HUGE. The walk to the car was torture, but still a fun time was had by all!
This picture is completely candid. You can't tell when they take your picture on this ride, so that is just pure skill happening in this picture. One armed, mean muggin, poppin caps.
Anyone who knows me, knows that SNL is my life. I love it. I
remember when I was first sick, one of the first days I got out of the hospital
my dad and I just watched SNL clips all day. I still do that, but it was one of
the first times I forgot about how I felt and just laughed. The main reason why
I love SNL so much is because all those weirdo characters are really some form
of me. I actually act like that in real life!
Some people say that SNL isn’t funny anymore. I do agree
that it isn’t as funny as it has been, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t funny. I
thought the world was going to end when Kristen Wiig left last year, but it
didn’t. I am actually starting to like the new female cast members. The female
cast members, and female comedians in general, have always gotten crap. People
think men are funnier than women, well men think men are funnier than women.
This is so not true! In fact, I think a lot of the times, women are funnier
than men! When Bridesmaids came out, it got a lot of crap about being the “girl
version of The Hangover.” I completely disagree. It is smarter, and in my
opinion, funnier than The Hangover. And people (men) were so surprised that it
was actually funny. Everyone thought it was a chick flick (yes Dad, I’m looking
at you) and were so surprised that it was actually hilarious. I love you Dad,
but I sometimes think you underestimate how funny us gals can be. I mean hello,
I’m the funniest person you know. Funny women are my role models. That’s why I
love SNL so much, it gives me the place to see all these amazingly funny women
like Kristen Wiig, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Gilda Radner, Rachel Dratch, Maya
Rudolph, Ana Gastayer, Molly Shannon, and a bunch more.
Now don’t get me wrong, I of course love the men as well. I
just find the whole “women not being as funny as men” subject very annoying.
Saturday Night Live has brought us some of the most influential comedians and
will continue to do so. I love SNL because it makes me laugh, and that was the
best thing for me when I was sick. Laughter is truly the best medicine.
I would post some of my favorite sketches, but that would just take hours. Just know that most of them involve Kristen Wiig, because she is my spirit animal.
This video is a must see. It's a topic that is all too relevant in everyone's lives. This young girl is so inspiring to me. She is so well spoken and makes such an impact with her words. Hopefully this video gives you some perspective like it did me. She points out the absurdity of society's obsession with appearances. I just wish I could compose myself as wonderfully as she does. She's a smart, smart girl. Enjoy!
Several months ago I came across this photo series on CNN.com and absolutely loved it. I loved the realness of all the photos and how raw they were. I could relate to them so much. Just now I came across this website. There are more photos, the original ones I saw were just only 5 or so. I fell in love with these pictures all over again. They are so tragic and may be hard to look at for others, but I find them so familiar.
I went to the "Our Story" portion of the site and started to read. This website is made by this husband, who took all the pictures of his wife. It tells the story of how they met and her diagnosis, and then it said this:
"Throughout our battle we were fortunate to have a strong support group
but we still struggled to get people to understand our day-to-day life
and the difficulties we faced . . . . . Fear,
anxiety and worries were constant. Sadly, most people do not want to
hear these realities and at certain points we felt our support fading
away. Other cancer survivors share this loss. People assume that
treatment makes you better, that things become OK, that life goes back
to “normal.” However, there is no normal in cancer-land. Cancer
survivors have to define a new sense of normal, often daily. And how can
others understand what we had to live with everyday?"
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE! I deal with this every single day of my life. I am a different person now. I will be FOREVER changed and people don't understand that. I deal with things differently now. There are very few people outside of my family that understand this. And when I say very few, there's really only one person I can think of that has vocalized to me that she gets it. She told me that people will never understand and that life doesn't go back to normal.
Things are getting to be as normal as they can be, but my life will never be entirely the way it was before. People assume that I am fine now, the cancer is gone so I can just move on. Well it takes time! Give me a minute, people! Cancer became my normal, it became my everyday. I had a routine, and I became comfortable with all of it. Heck, I liked being bald! I liked going to the clinic all the time and getting rat poison pumped into me! Ok, well I didn't really like the rat poison part. I fell in love with the people there, they became familiar. I miss it all, it became my life.
So now I am at this half way point between "cancer" normal and "normal" normal. I still go to the clinic, just not as often. I still take oral chemo, they just don't make my hair fall out. Transitioning is hard, especially when people expect me to bounce back so quickly. I was thrown into it all and got used to it, now I am easing my way out. I may not have yellow teeth and tubes hanging out of my chest anymore, but I am still in that mindset.
So forgive me people if you find it annoying that I still talk about it, but it's only because it became my life and who I was. So the one thing I ask from all the people I know is a little patience. Some patience while I am figuring out what my new normal is. I know that people will never fully understand, but it's good to know that there's this small group of people out there that do.
P.S. I will find other things to write about besides cancer, I promise. This is my journal though. It may be my not so private journal that everyone can read, but I am still writing everything I feel at that moment. :)
**Photos credit to "The Battle We Didn't Choose"**